What If?

What If?

It’s the question that plagues my socially anxious mind.

What if?

What if, instead of just awkwardly checking out that cute individual on the train, you… oh, I don’t know, waved and attempted to make non-creepy conversation with them in a non-creepy way instead of being even creepier by staring and blushing.

What if, instead of just scrolling through all the cool pictures of things people are doing on YouTube or Instagram or whatever the next search engine social media thing is, you went out there and did these things. BY YOURSELF.

What if you finally felt comfortable eating alone?

What if you ventured forth into the great unknown and found a great book that was gathering dust on its pages and looked like it belonged to a wizard with a set of great robes, muttering potion recipes and outdated spells in a high tower?

What if you did that cool immersive theater experience instead of making excuses about it being “too loud” or “too time-consuming”?

What if you finally asked that person out you’d been scoping for a while instead of waiting for them to make the first move?

What if you just did things without having that giant, mesh-metal filter that seems to be implanted in your brain telling you no?


That idea is stupid.


They wouldn’t want to talk to you.


It’d be weird, doing things alone.


Who goes to libraries alone? You’re too tired today anyways.


Maybe next week, I’ll definitely fit it into my schedule next week.


They’d think you too forward. A girl who just wants one thing.

What if…

It’s a question that haunted me a lot earlier. Now, it fades away.

Now, I let my fashion speak for me.

Now, I let the words that flow from my brain to my hands create entire worlds.

Now, I send those text messages because I no longer fear what may or may not  respond because I DON’T LOOK AT THE SCREEN STARING ANXIOUSLY AND LETTING MY PALMS SWEAT IF I SEE THE TEXT BUBBLE DISAPPEAR–

Now, I’m getting better.

I’m not perfect.

I never will be.

I still clam up around people I see again, thinking they’ll judge me. Fearing that judgment that isn’t even there, that’s entirely in my mind.

But being in a city helps. What was that line in Great Gatsby?

“And I like large parties, they feel so intimate”.

I get that, an entire swell of people in a city helps keep me away from the prison of my thoughts. Just knowing that there’s so many people in one place helps.

That’s more opportunity to seize the day, when the people mill in and out of your life. More interesting people to meet. More fashions to see. More places to be. More immersive theater experiences to delve into.

Because what if isn’t good enough sometimes.

Sometimes, I’d rather think why not?

Leave a Comment