Let’s all sit back and agree that you can’t have a holiday movie without a lesson. Holidays, along with having too much snow or a lack thereof, require a certain sort of movie. Here’s a list to help you keep all your holiday miracles straight.
1. If you have a red nose, flaunt it.
2. If you think you were raised by elves, seek medical attention.
3. Believe. If you don’t, Santa’s sleigh will come crashing down because of it.
4. Always make sure you have all your children with you before leaving for the airport.
5. Never give up on that tree, C. Brown. Never.
6. If you suddenly grow a beard and put on magical Christmas weight, you haven’t had a bad day. You’ve become Santa Claus. Or not.
7. Do not discriminate against Whos just because they aren’t green and have a heart that’s abnormally shrunken.
8. Do not bully people on Christmas. Not cool. Not cool at all.
9. If a ghost threatens to haunt you on Christmas Eve, seek an exorcism.
10. Skeletons can celebrate Christmas. They just can’t kill off Santa Claus and replace him.
11. Snowmans should not make sequels.
12. Let it go! Let it go! I’m one with the— wait. No.
13. Seriously. Stop it with the sequels.
14. If animals start to talk or sing, you are now in a Christmas movie. If nobody else hears them, the elf rule listed above applies.
15. Do not board strange trains no matter where they promise to take you.
16. Believe! Believe! BELIEVE!
17. Holidays are not about materialism. They’re about learning the spirit of them. Then you can go back to being materialistic when they stop making movies about you.
18. If you suddenly find yourself dancing in the kitchen and then ice skating. Do not panic. You are in a movie montage with some nineties pop song playing behind you.
19. If you can’t ice skate, don’t worry! Fall romantically into the guy/girl beside you. It’s a romantic comedy. She/He’ll be fine.
20. If you find yourself in a horror movie rhyming with “campus”, then none of these rules apply.