In honor of it being the good season of scares: June (not October, are you crazy?), let’s talk about horror.
Holy. Mother. Of. Plot. Have you seen just how outrageous stories in the horror genre get? Yes, you, the intellectual, may argue. The sci-fi genre throws in numbers and science because, obviously, one cannot live on words alone for a decent plot. Another might dare say that history, whether fictional or not, is the most convoluted of all. But, naysayer, let me tell you of the strangeness of B-movie horror or any grade horror plot really. (Not all, but the tropes, any who. Because sensibility is no fun).
1. The characters seemingly have functioned this long with making fairly stupid decisions in their lives. Split up? Go alone towards the trees, you say, why not?! That is just suspension of disbelief, so surely, they must have evolved that way since the beginning of time because their predators were equally stupid.
2. Some creatures are immortal, so long as a franchise requires their continued existence. Imagine. Immortal. You could shoot that fellow with the mask and the chainsaw with a laser, and the good monster will still find a way to come back again.
3. Cabins in woods are always a bad idea, but still somehow the prime getaway spot for city-slicker vacationers.
4. All children must have been conceived through divine conception, because, as is, if teens/young adults within the film go against what their good “health classes” taught them, they are viciously murdered by the monster.
5. Seriously, have you SEEN some of these monsters? Well, hopefully you haven’t. But those are some wacky demons, man. The one with the long hair that covers her face. The puppet. That horned fellow? What kidders. They must be all the rage at parties.
6. Bad stuff usually happens on Halloween. Because apparently, the witches from Hocus Pocus being gone means some less kid-friendly ghouls are able to apply for the position.
7. Little girls are always creepy. Oh, yeah, I meant in the horror genre too.
8. Alternate universe Apple has really gotta update their cellular coverage plans for horror movies. Seriously, the scariest thing is these kids lack cellphone coverage when the vampiric plot bunny drops.
9. Nobody in the horror-movie universe has apparently heard of the term: “stranger danger”.
10. The ghosts always want revenge. No wonder Casper feels so lonely. He just wants to chill in a paranormal hot tub, and the rest of y’all are out there murdering teens because they stole their parents’ van. Nice job, paranormal world. Get your priorities together.